Sometimes I suck
Today Milo had his Legos all over the floor, he had been playing with them while I sat on the couch drinking a cup of coffee. After awhile of playing, he got up to do something else for a moment. I looked down and thought to myself how I hadn't really been playing with him much lately. So, I got down and sat on the floor in the middle of the Legos. He looked over at me with a look of such disbelief, excitement, and pure joy. My heart broke. Broke. The look on his face is forever engrained in my memory. He was so happy that he walked over and gave me the biggest kiss, and then sat down to play with me, elated. I felt crushed. In that moment it hit me so hard, I realized how much I have been failing him lately.
Honest truth? There are moments of my motherhood where I know I am not doing everything the way that I should for Milo. I'm especially embarrassed to admit that sometimes I know it and I don't fix it right away. I don't know exactly why I don't... I get to wrapped up in my own head, my own worries, my own thoughts and to do lists. I keep telling myself, just this one more thing, let me get this one more thing done, and then... The one more things never end though. I know that I am not showing up how I should be, that I'm not filling his bucket as he needs. I know it and I don't fix it right away. The dumb thing is, it makes me feel awful. It doesn't really help.
Recently has been one of these times for me, for us. We have a weird mix of amazing things developing for our family and not knowing what the hell is happening next over here. My need (like? desire?) to know and control what happens mixed with my belief that the universe will provide has my insides pulling at each other daily. Change is hard and amazing and necessary. I want it, I need it, I enjoy it, but big change can also bring on the fear. I believe in powering through the fear, in changing it into excitement, but it is still there sometimes. I am one of those people whose brain is working overtime, all the time. IT. DOES. NOT. STOP. GOING. This can be a great thing sometimes, exhausting and overwhelming at others. The changes for our family mean that I am working a bit more. I am working to build my photography business more and Tim and I are also working on a new business together. Both things are super exciting and both are projects I feel extremely passionate about. Two things happen to me when I am passionate about something and when I'm trying to figure it all out. I allow myself to get into a state of overwhelm and I also get working on something and have a hard time turning off. Neither of these bode well with Milo. He is used to having me here, with him, having me present. What I have realized has been happening recently is that I am so in my own head. I'm so caught up in trying figure out our next move, that I am not getting on the floor and playing with Milo. I'm less patient with him. I am not going on walks or bike rides when Tim takes him, or playing baseball out front, we aren't reading as many books as we used to. To sum it up, I have been sucking at being an attentive mom.
Today it hit me hard that I am failing a little bit at what is most important to me, my family, my son.
But it's okay, this needed to happen, I needed a bit of a wake up. For the rest of the day we enjoyed time together. He was happy, I was happy. Buckets filled. Mama, not sucking so much.
This image is by the wonderful and wonderfully talented Kirsten Lewis. This past June Kirsten came to our house from Colorado and documented our entire day. She is not only an amazing documentary photographer, but also a beautiful and funny person. We are so fortunate to have had her here with our family. And I am so fortunate to have her as a mentor. (Not to mention her husband is fantastic and her daughter is the cutest thing ever.)
I am SO grateful to have this image. BEYOND grateful. This is how Milo goes to sleep each night, with either me or Tim. Nothing about this is staged. This is us. This is an image that I will forever be indebted to Kirsten for making for me. This moment, this moment is everything. I will forever be able to look at this and remember how it felt. So grateful, so grateful....