where to begin? || personal
It has been so long, I'm not really sure where to begin. These past couple of years have been a whirlwind of great and not so great times. Struggles with getting pregnant, crazy issues with close friends, crazy family struggles, some things big and some not so big. I've never been someone who became depressed, but I think I was as close as I could get. I hate typing that. It makes me feel weak. Even though that is not what I think of other people when they admit the same thing. I know that I was beginning to feel down, I was beginning to feel defeated, and I was beginning to feel alone, and I didn't really want to talk about it. I have always prided myself on being a strong person, and I didn't feel strong. I would guess that is probably depression.
Through all of that though, I did keep fighting, the things I could fight for myself, in small ways. I cut back on my day job hours, and I signed up for a photography business class. Working for myself as a photographer has been a dream of mine for a very long time. I have no good excuse as to why it has not already happened. I just haven't made it happen. I haven't taken the leap. One thing or another seemed to get in the way, well, I let it get in the way. That's okay. Looking forward. So I had signed up for the class, it was motivating, inspiring, and helpful, and made me feel like it was really time to make this happen. I was ready to overcome whatever hurdles were holding me back.
Then, the greatest thing happened. I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for at least three years, and even before that, we weren't "not trying". I can't explain to you the feeling of seeing a positive test after so many negative ones. When you try to become pregnant unsuccessfully for so many months, years really, you truly start to believe that there will never be a positive test. Being pregnant kind of put all other things on hold for me, because I was sick pretty much my entire pregnancy. Worth it, absolutely, yes, but it didn't allow me to get much else done. That was September 2013. Fast forward to today, March 1, 2014 and I have an amazing 10 month old baby boy. He is the love of our lives and we are so fortunate and blessed to have his perfect little soul join our family. I still have the desire to do my photography, it has not gone away. I'm just now sure exactly how quickly my full fledged business will happen now. My main focus is raising our little guy Milo Cass, but I do want to start working part time again in the near future.
No one tells you before you have kids how hard finding the balance will be. I have the most amazing acupuncturist that I saw while I was trying to get pregnant, who I wholly believe helped me to become pregnant, and I still continue to see her here and there. She helped me to let go a little, to let go of the control. (What?!! I like to have control, no way?!;) With her help I learned that I want to live in the moment and accept what each day and new part of this journey that is my life brings. She, so importantly, helped me to come to understand the kind of mom I wanted to be. A calm, in the moment, there for my kid(s) mom. Not someone who was so hyper focused on getting everything done all the time. It wasn't that I was getting everything done before, I just felt I needed to and was always juggling too many things. There are definitely times where I have had to talk myself into enjoying a specific moment, it is not always giggles and yummy smelling baby skin. But I don't want to look back on this time and feel like I wasted it wishing away the harder times. Already some of my favorite memories with Milo are of him waking in the middle of the night, me exhausted, walking him back to sleep. Just me and him, in the quiet, in the darkness, him nuzzled to me so sweetly, needing his mama. Those times while they are hard, while I have been so exhausted I sometimes feel like I just can't stand up anymore, if I think in the moment about how special it really is, how fleeting this time with my baby is, I am able to enjoy it even then. And now already, when I think back to the times he was littler, I already love and miss the memory so much.
So my biggest struggle right now is finding a balance; a balance between being the wife and mom I want to be and my family needs me to be, and still being the me I need to be. I feel like parenting the way I feel is best and being the best mom I can to Milo is non-negotiable and sometimes that leaves little room for anything else. Tim's schedule right now with work and other obligations often leaves me parenting alone for most of the day, that makes it even harder to find the balance. But I do believe that being an individual, being a happy Shelley, not just a good mom, is important for Milo to see while growing up and important for my own happiness and sanity. So I come back to searching for a balance... Why am I telling you all of this? For a few reasons, because I feel like I want and need to talk about it openly, because my favorite blogs are the ones where the bloggers are the most open and the most real about who they are, and because I haven't posted here since 2011 and that's a really long time to just jump in without an explanation as to why. My plan for now is to have a very loose plan. I want to post on here from time to time. As of today, I am not going to set myself to a schedule or declare any certain goals. I'm just going to do what I feel I can, when the time is there. There is probably going to be quite a few more personal posts here for awhile, but I do have some shoots to share that I will throw in too.
So where do I begin with what to share here? I think I will of course need to start with my little guy, my two guys actually. We can catch up on the rest later. This was 8 months ago, almost exactly. Milo was only two months old. He loves his daddy. Adores him.